Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
They are going to name an STD after you.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
