my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
