Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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