How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
