My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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