I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
