i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
