Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize