Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
