ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
