I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
