I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
