my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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