But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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