My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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