A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
