dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We are all done wearing pants today
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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