if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
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