she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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