I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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