Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
