dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
