it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
