hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
