Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
