I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
