Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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