i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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