so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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