Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
