Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
