i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Never underestimate the power of titties
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
