I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
