Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
