You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
