I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
