If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
