I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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