Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
