I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
