My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i wish my penis had a tongue
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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