You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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