I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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