On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Girls should come with a carfax report
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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