I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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