I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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