he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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