She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
