I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
