So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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