My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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