just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
