I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
