Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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