Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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