Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
