you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
