my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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